You Can Always Be Understanding

Sep 2024

I’ve always thought of myself as an understanding person. But sometimes I find myself judging others and I’ve noticed this happens sometimes more than others.

I find that the more aligned I am with my values, the more I fight for what I believe in, and the harder it is to not judge.

You can always be understanding. When you see people do things like make decisions that you don't agree with, they usually get a rise out of us. We ask questions such as: Why would they do that? What are they thinking? It doesn't make sense! Even though, if we take a step back and put ourselves in their shoes, it would.

Why is it that even though it makes sense for them, and we understand how things can be like that for them, we still get triggered¹?

I think it’s because we’re deeply connected to the values that go against those. In other words, we care. If someone is deeply connected with taking care of their health, seeing someone vape would probably disgust them. But they could understand why they would do that. It could be due to a lot of things such as peer pressure, social status, coping mechanisms, etc.

It’s simple enough for us to take a step back and try to rationalize and make sense of the situation. But as much as we’d want to be understanding, we sometimes find ourselves slipping and judging them.

To be understanding, we have to take a step back and put ourselves in their shoes. But doing that takes energy. Plus, you’re trying to see things from someone else’s perspective – someone whose values most probably go against yours– which takes even more energy.

Trying to see the perspective of someone whose values you don’t agree with is like wearing shoes that don’t fit you anymore. You could probably wear them, but it will be uncomfortable. There may also have been a time when you were able to wear them, but now they just don’t make sense to you. You’ve outgrown them.²

There’s a condition though. If being understanding is one of your core values, then being so often comes naturally. And it comes naturally because being understanding is important to you.

Increase how understanding you can be. The more understanding you do, the more understanding you become. But how much understanding can you do until you’re bending your values?

Maybe being understanding means allowing them to be who they are, believe what they believe, and do what they do with respect and without judgment, all while staying aligned with your values.